Just me

it's been a long time. I just read my last post and I sound like an idiot!! I think that's partially why I stopped blogging because BOOHOO sometimes life sucks but most of the time it doesn't. I don't really understand why I spent so much of my life feeling sorry for myself. Why I spent so much of my life on relationships, and meanings that will not matter.

young folks - peter bjorn jon "usually when things has gone this far, people tend to disappear. no one will surprise unless you do."

A few of us decided to visit the two Daniel's in Costa Mesa, and L was talking about a really yummy Vietnamese restaurant around there so after much debate we decided to go. L kept raving about their spring rolls(nem nuong), to be honest i was thinking, "yeah right, how good can spring rolls be."


L looking at yelp pictures :

Right now i'm at work and i can't seem to figure out why I feel so unhappy.

I just cut my finger.
and i'm bored at work, i always feel like i have so much to write about but when it comes to actually expressing how i feel, i fail.

Bass real low - cataracs. (?)

i guess i always wrote in journals because i don't trust in people enough to tell them how i feel about myself. I think i'm overall a nice and down to earth person, i know you're not allowed to say that but i'm confident enought to know i am. i know i try to be a good person and it's a lot of work, but a lot of people tell me i don't take enough credit for the kind of person i am because i think being a good person is what people should be doing. you shouldn't be getting acclaimed for being a good person? wtf? right? so i don't feel specifically happy when people say i'm nice/humble/downtoearth because it just goes to show how sad our society is. I get praised for acting how a human should be?

just like the other day when i was at sports chalet buying UGGs and i was trying them on. The sales guy asked us if we needed any help and he asked us if we worked in retail. "people don't usually put thing back where it belongs, it's really cool of you guys." If we all helped one another wouldn't that make their jobs easier? HOW COME PEOPLE ARE SO INCONSIDERATE.

and i had this convo with P the other day, he says i need to "get out more" even if i don't like inconsiderate people because this world is filled with them. I can't be anti-social forever. I know i know, but this kind of stuff just upsets me. and it came to me eliminating people out of my life because i'm sick and tired of being a push over. I'm tired of always being the girl that says sorry, i am not saying sorry anymore if i didn't do anything wrong.

I feel like i spoil my friends because i say sorry or act like everything is okay for their sake. So things don't get too weird and i always thought that's what friends do for each other. But, it's not and i feel like they take me for granted.

I used to always have this tugging/burning feeling in my lungs or heart. It feels like something is covering it and i can't tell if my heartbeat is fast or slow. I feel that now...

i just got yelled at during work.

---

i never have anything to say anymore.

I've been reflecting...





so this is to you





Saved - Spill canvas





Dear ____,


after reading this, i'm sure you'll know who you are. first thing i want to say is that i miss you a lot. i've never met someone like you before. we haven't spoken much since you've gone away to school but i hope you're doing well. i contemplated on writing you an email instead, but i thought that it would be too straight forward and awkward because everything that happened between us was about a year ago. you saved me from myself, and from probably wanting to kill myself. i don't think i've ever told you that, and i'm telling you this because i'm finally okay. all our long aim talks at night and videoing when i was at work helped me so much. it's like you knew when and how to be there for me, you didn't let me rely on you but you were there. you liked me for the person i was, and you knew i would be okay. it's hard to explain that feeling, but you were just so confident in me and you never made me feel like i was annoying.



i wanted to let you know that i left the way i did because i felt like you were too good for me. i know i know, i play the victim a lot but i need stability. i wanted to know what would happen in the future, you lived so far away from me and you were also leaving for school. i sometimes felt dumb around you because of your education compared to mine. there was so so much i didn't know until i spoke to you that last day. i didn't think you were serious, and i think i didn't want to think that you were serious and that you were genuine. you said, you had nothing better to do all year because you were waiting and interviewing for schools. i thought that meant you just wanted to find someone to hang out with for the year. who knows, it was only a measly 2-3 months that we had spoken. it meant a lot to me even if it wasn't the same for you. everything you said from day 1 was true about me.

you helped me grow and i had a lot fo fun hanging out. you're just overall a really good guy, and even if we don't end up in each others lives, i still hope the very best for you. hope that one day you can save many lives and i'll be super proud of you.